Confessions

I’m a part-time youth pastor and admin assistant in a beloved church community (a2blue.org) that is LGBTQIA+ affirming, supports Black Lives Matter, and provides a safe place for me to be open and honest about my history with mental illness. I love the people in this community, many of whom have broken hearts because of religion, and yet choose love over religious creeds. My confessions here will not go into as much detail as those of, for example, Saint Augustine, but I do have a few things to confess.

An Inner Division

I’ve long had doubts about Jesus as the Christian church presents him to the world, as if he were a god on his own. But, I wanted to follow his Word. Even if I had my doubts, I could still do the good advice that he suggests! Give food to the hungry, clothe the naked, visit those in prison, and care for the sick. So, as a social worker, I did all of these things, with special care for those suffering from mental illness. Later, in foster care, I worked to restore the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children into a healthy, loving relationship with their parents—through reunion, foster care, or adoption. 

However, all this time that I tried to fulfill the work that God’s prophets call us to do, my personal life was quite conflicted and I often struggled with a heavy burden. The scriptures might call it "worshiping idols," but in simple terms, I felt enslaved to my own impulses and divided from within. When I was younger, I drank alcohol to the point that I would completely lose myself. I would do anything and everything that my impulses said to do, including things that I normally wouldn’t do when sober. Maybe this is often what some young people do, but, even worse than that, in my sober, waking moments, I rivaled with and envied the people that I love the most. Rivalry, envy, and resentment are powerful forces that can divide a body and mind from within.

A friend once told me that she struggled like I knew I struggled. She said she did certain things that she later felt bad about doing. But, then she’d go and do those same things again and again. I once told her: “If you want to do those things, then do them, and don’t feel bad. But, if you don’t want to do them, then don’t do them!” I said this as if it were a very simple solution:

“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” (Matthew 5:37)

None of us act on every whim or desire that our body has. But, there can be a great pull stemming from our self-serving drives. These drives are like an evil oppressor who insists on having their own needs met first, and only then attends to others—and only as long as they get something in return (Hey! White supremacy in a nutshell). Yet, all these go against the one command that I believe with all my heart: Love. Love the Lord Your God [and] Love your neighbor as yourself.

A Vision

The Book of John, chapter 8, tells a story that was not part of the original gospels. It's kinda an odd story in the context of the verses around it. It's known as, “The adulterous woman.” The story frames a group of people zealous for the Law as accusers who are testing Jesus, and ask if they should stone an adulterous woman who was just caught in the act. This story has long been interpreted through an anti-Judaism lens by gentile Christians---interpretations which I reject and am constantly unlearning.

However, I also received a vision. For certain reasons, I saw myself as the adulterous woman. My accusers circled around me, asking the rabbi if they should stone me or not. In my vision, Jesus was there, bent down, writing something in the sand. Possibly from my participation in years of therapy, I paused here and wondered: Who are my accusers?! 

Certainly, my accuser was not my husband who loves me, not my friends who do not judge, and not my church either (not to speak for all churches!). No, in that moment, I realized my only “accuser” was the Law of Righteousness written on my own heart. My bad feelings and frustration with my impulses and desires came from my own desire for goodness, decency, and ultimately to love my neighbor as myself. I realized that when I do whatever impulse comes up in me (even if only in my fantasies), I turn against my loved ones to serve myself first. In that case, I do not love my neighbor OR myself.

Because my accusers felt terrifying, I was afraid. And some evil liar tried to tell me that the only way to be *free* was to give in to all my desires: find and do whatever I please.

Yet, here, this one among the doers of the Law of Righteousness (Let’s call it: Torah), a rabbi who fulfilled the law to love your neighbor as yourself, showed God’s compassion on me. This Teacher forgave me and loved me just as I am. He turned to the accusers in my imagination and said, “Let anyone without sin cast the first stone.” One by one, starting with the oldest, they showed compassion on the humanity within us all. Their stones fell to the dust, one by one, until I was alone with my rabbi. He looked at me and said, “Neither do I condemn you. Now, go...” Go, and follow the greatest and first commandment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength,” and the second like it, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

These are my confessions. Something of me had to die for something else to live. My sanity was restored.

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Whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. (Romans 14:8)

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Nothing is unclean in itself; but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean.

(Romans 14:14)

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Let us then pursue what makes for peace and mutual upbuilding. (Romans 14:19)