Stream of words: Sylvia and Ruth

I want to write more stream-of-consciousness, but I haven’t done that in so long. Here goes...

Sylvia Plath, an author, a poet, a woman who loved words and wanted to die. How does Sylvia connect to me and my experience? I am a woman who loves words. I am a woman who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. But, I don’t want to die. I love to live and I want to live and I seek eternity in my prayers. My illness is a wonderful though frightening experience, confusing, but mystical. I miss it sometimes and that seems weird to me if this illness is supposed to be so scary or bad. But, I have never suffered from Sylvia lows, only Hemingway highs. The highs are like a whole new world perspective opens up, the heavens open up and I feel connected and as if God is in my very presence. Perhaps I suffer from Joan of Arc madness. Of course, I’ve read that there is a story of three different outcomes when experiencing God. When experiencing the full presence of God, they say, some die, some go mad, and some walk away in peace. Perhaps, I received only a taste of the presence and I went out of my mind.

Mark 3:21 is a comforting text for me because when I was coming out of my illness I read this verse and it touched me. [And when his family heard it, they went out to seize him, for they were saying, “He is out of his mind.” Mark 3:21] I felt peace and I felt understood. I cried. I felt like this man, Jesus of Nazareth, must be able to understand what I went through with my family. They tried to take me away considering me mad/insane/crazy. They said amongst them-selves, “She is sick again.” And as they wheeled me along I sang aloud, “Crazy person coming through.” They wheeled me in a wheel chair through the halls towards the psych ward at the UM Hospital. “Crazy person coming through,” I sang to them in full awareness of my words.  

The twelve steps are wonderful…

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I try daily to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand. My husband wishes I didn’t care about God so much…he says he liked me better when I was spiritual but against religion. But, how can I be against religion when it is the study of the bond between humans and the divine. And sublime nature is a beautiful thing. I am reminded of Frankenstein and the descriptions in that story of the sublime. The weather and the natural setting, the wilderness, the forests, the landscape, the storms raging…and I seek nature, to be in nature, not this concrete jungle, because I find God when I’m in nature. I refuse to be contained away from nature in a hospital ward. Joan of Arc also refused to be contained in a prison cell for life, “Give me freedom or give me death.” And they thought Joan of Arc was a crazy person coming through. Give me freedom or give me death.

What is death? Death is a part of life. Like darkness and light, we have an awareness of it. We can see darkness and the difference between darkness and light. We have awareness. We also have an awareness of the difference between death and life. But, God created the darkness to divide the day (in the poetic, metaphorical story of creation). And we should not be afraid of darkness because it makes no difference to God. God is beyond the darkness and the light. And God is beyond death. I do not fear death (not all the time, anyways). I fear separation from God and love and life. Perhaps, those are not lost when death comes? Sylvia might not know because I’ve heard suicide does not produce the same after death experiences as natural death can cause. But, I don’t want to speculate or think about those things. I’d rather focus on life on earth today, right now. Do you think that there will be an end of days, a time when peace on earth will reign? I hope for that day. I pray for heaven on earth. I believe that promises will be answered especially if they come from God. I’m rooting for the kingdom to come to earth in my generation, and I can only try to be a part of that process.

And Prayer. Prayer is a wonderful thing. Prayer enables the soul to connect to a higher power. The breadth and the depth of mystical experience expand through prayer. Meditative prayer; Charismatic prayer; Petitioning prayer. I think prayer as a way of being – as in prayer that is in and around everything I do, and in and around my being. Sometimes, when I write, I feel as though I am praying. Or when I read, I feel as though I am praying. Because I feel that God is there in the word. In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God. All things that have been made were made through Him. And the word became Flesh.

I’m sorry that I write so much about God now. It is my passion, my heart, and my love. I am obsessed because it is real. And it is a way for all that my heart desires. You see, I desire justice and an end to oppression. Women’s studies and feminism are pathways that I chose to follow to find justice and an end to oppression. Through feminism I view the Bible and I see that there is justice streaming through the words in the book and a way to an end to oppression. “I am the way, the truth, and the light,” he said. A professor of mine once told me that Jesus was the first feminist. But, I find that the struggle to end oppression is seething through the words of the scriptures. I find unity in my search for justice and ending oppression with my faith and spirituality. That is why I love to write and think and talk about God – because God shares my interest in ending the oppression that exists on earth. There is no place for oppression in the Kingdom of God. Connecting to something greater than myself is a crucial step in the process of mental health and well-being, in my activism, and in justice.

Feminism is the struggle to end sexist oppression. In the sentiment of sexist oppression, really all forms of oppression are held. And God is working to end all forms of oppression. So, let your God be my God (I say to the Jewish people, with my middle name – Ruth.) I say this wishing I was Ruth and knowing that the stories of the Bible are living words that can apply even to me – a young woman in the Midwest, U.S., reading stories and being deeply touched.  If I were to choose a woman to admire, a woman to follow, I think I might choose Ruth. I think about Sylvia and Ruth. I think about a woman, like me, who loved words, but who wanted to die. I think about another woman, like me, who loved Naomi’s God, and wanted to live. I love words and I love what I have seen of God. I choose to join in life, to say, “Let your God be my God.” And I choose to live with God – I love life, despite my illness. I am a feminist but I am not Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath. Perhaps I am Ruth and Joan.

Baby Blues

A cool breeze flows through the open window. The wind gently touches the dry winter leaves and they rustle in the breeze. I can smell the sweet ink on the journal page from thoughts written on paper. I just finished meditating by focusing on my breath, so I am slightly more aware of each breath I take now in the aftermath of meditation. The whirring of air provides background music and the scratching pen on paper, the harmony.

I knew a man named James, we called him Jim. Jim was a carpenter. He was a very large man, balding, with a bulb shaped nose and thick glasses. Despite his size, he was so timid he was almost hard to notice. He had bright blue eyes and long eye lashes. Not many people ever looked at his eyes, because he was not an attractive man and he was always looking down. Jim told me about the love of his life - a beautiful woman who was in a wheelchair. They fell in love and got married. He said that half the people who came to the wedding came because they couldn’t believe in such a pair. She died years ago. Jim was in the psychiatric unit with me. He was going through electric shock therapy at the hospital. After a few days getting to know him better, Jim said that for the first time in years he experienced one full day where he did not think about ending his life. I remember I would ask him to show me his “baby blues,” and he would take off his glasses and blink his lashes at me, smiling. He had a heart of gold and was a wonderful man. If you could only look past his outer looks, and see the man inside. I told him, “Jim, we’ve been talking and saying that you are a diamond in the rough.” He humbly smiled and said thank you. I miss Jim and many of the people I met at the hospital. We were each experiencing our own mental health crisis and I believe that God was there with us – a magnetic force that guides us through. Harold Kushner writes:

If depression is the “dark night of the soul,” God is the magnetic force that guides people through the night and brings them into a brighter world…I assure them that love and strength are not like bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. They are like muscles that grow stronger with use. And I urge them to rely on God to renew their strength so that they can go on working and not grow weary.” (The Lord is My Shepherd, Kushner, p. 70)  

My form of mania feels so intensely spiritual and so precious and sweet. I want to say to God’s presence, “Stay, thou are so sweet.” 

Small Discoveries in Palatial Texts

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” (John 1:1) I like these words. To an English major, a lover of the written word and great conversations, this kind of poetry sounds so sweet. Fania Oz-Salzberger and her father Amos Oz in their book Jews and Words write: “But if there is any chain at all between Abraham and us, it is made of written words” (p. 42). Now, this concept fascinates me. The lineage of the word passed down from generation to generation, recorded and shared with the world is fascinating. There is something special about the link of the Word to God, and of Abraham to us (even those of us who are not Jewish can understand the chain of written words from Abraham to the present day).

One of my favorite classes in undergrad was called “Reading the Bible from the Margins”. As a feminist, I am familiar with the critique (and indeed the raging anger) at the traditional norms that have oppressed women and that stem from patriarchal interpretations of the Bible. I am closely familiar with the oppressive gendered norms that are so prevalent in the Christian religion. I also recognize traditionally oppressive gendered norms in other religions as well. However, I have been taking another look at the Bible with a fascination of the textual twists towards those in the margins – often women – living in certain realities at the time the words were written. The Hebrew language is a language that holds multiple meanings in English. The stories in the Bible often have more to say than what meets the eye. Biblical words have been passed down from generation to generation to teach the children who teach their children. These living words are more beautiful than any geographical or architectural or cultural design I can think of.

Of all the cultures and religions I have learned about, Judaism seems to have a deeply founded relationship with both the written and the spoken word. Even in the early days, Moses received tablets with words inscribed on them for the people. Whether it is true or not that he actually had the tablets, this emphasis on the written word is interesting. Oz-Salzberger and Oz write:  

The grandeur of ancient Israel is not a matter of cities and kings. Material life may well have been crude, buildings rough-hewn, and clothing course. Solomon’s splendid palace may well be a flimsy abode, a fib or a fable. In all honesty, ancient Jewish architecture is not a major point of pride.

But the texts are palatial.

Genesis, Isaiah, and Proverbs are our pyramids, our Chinese wall, our Gothic cathedrals. They stand undemolished in the flow of time. They have fed a plethora of offspring: from Mishnah to Haskalah, from medieval Sephardic poetry to Modern Hebrew Literature, from Gotthold Ephraim Lessing to William Faulker, all were able to drink from those deep wells. (p. 113)

Those of us who grew up on the words in the Hebrew Bible are offspring of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Some of us may not have genetic ties to Abraham, but we are children of the texts. My fascination with words in religion stems from my Christian upbringing. Christianity is the religion I am most familiar with and is part of the lens I use to view religion and the written word. Christianity is part of my cultural perspective. My parents and my childhood upbringing ensured that. However, I also earned a Masters degree in Women’s and Gender Studies and grew up in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Feminism is another part of my lens that I use to view the written word. I love women and am fascinated with how women are portrayed in writing and how women are in reality – which can be so beautifully varied and diverse.

Recently, my sister, my mother and I watched a mainstream movie, “Snow White and the Huntsman”. It is a tale made popular by the Brothers Grimm and by Disney. It is a story of a virginal white young woman who is kissed by a handsome prince and wakes up from a cruel spell put upon her by an evil step-mother. So often the heroines in American culture today fit into a set type. I grew up with stories about beautiful young heroines who become princesses like Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, and Jasmine. Disney makes a fortune on perpetuating the commercialization of princesses. Young girls grow up on stories that teach them to desire to be young, beautiful and snag a handsome prince – which is so disconnected from reality. As our girls grow up, they watch stories on TV of young pop stars rising to fame and fortune because of their beauty. Another important element to these stories is that there are rarely older women who are positive role models for these young girls. The evil witches or evil queens are typically the antagonist in the stories. Their mother’s are usually dead. In pop culture, one can only imagine how mothers feel about their daughter’s over-sexualization on TV. But, the mothers of the pop-stars are usually silent; hidden behind the scenes.  

And what about the biblical heroines written in stories that I grew up with? While there are strong, quite valid, feminist critiques against the patriarchal norms in the Bible, I find something refreshing in the biblical text. The women portrayed are varied and diverse. In light of the dominant secular American culture, I find the diversity of heroines is striking: Sarah, Hannah, Deborah, Hagaar. There are prostitutes, old barren women who become pregnant, slave heroines and manipulative queens which are among my favorite heroines in the Bible. I also admire the dark nameless beauty in the Song of Songs, and in the New Testament, the preferred sister Mary who sat and learned from her teacher while her sister Martha anxiously cleaned the house. In patriarchal texts and born into patriarchal societies, the numbers of diverse women that are named and their stories that are included in the Bible are many. Oz-Salzberger and Oz write:  

   

They do not follow the Greek pattern—either goddess or mortal heroine. They do not follow the medieval pattern—either saint or prostitute. They do not follow the European pattern—aristocracy, bourgeoisie, or lower class. They do not follow the British pattern—upstairs or downstairs—although their tents are sometimes as intricate as a manor house. The Bible’s women are so variegated that they simply inhabit a full human spectrum. (Jews and Words, p. 70-71)

In the written word, as compared to pop-stars on TV and in movies, physical beauty is only found in descriptions and in the mind of the reader. There is no concern about weight or wrinkles or gray hair in the written word. The heroines are heroines because of what they do and what they say. I prefer the stories and the lessons of these famous female heroes that have passed down through the generations from Abraham to us today.

The traditional view of women can be offensive and anger provoking. Maimonides wrote in Mishneh Torah, “For there is nothing more attractive for a woman than to sit in the corner of her home, as ‘All the glory of the king’s daughter is within’.” He stated that women should remain in the home and not go out and about more than twice a month. This appears to be a very sexist, chauvinistic text. But, I prefer to interpret his insights and the quoted Psalm 45:13, in a different way. I like the idea that all the glory of the daughters is within. But, I don’t think this means in the home in the traditional sense. When I think of “within,” I think of an internal state of being. The beauty within is the glory within a person’s heart, soul and mind. The beauty of women is within. This interpretation is relieving to me in a culture soaked with idealized external beauty types. Also, the cornerstone is an important part of a building - the most important part. If a woman’s place is found within, in the corner of the home, I would argue that this means in the key place of the foundation of where she resides. By reside, I mean as her place in the family or in society. With this interpretation, the woman is no longer a subjugated housewife sitting in a corner of a home, but actually, the most beautiful pillar of the foundation of the people. She sits in the cornerstone, the key to the foundation, and her beauty is not fleeting physical beauty, but an eternal beauty within. All the varied women heroines in the Bible from the prostitute to barren elderly women show strength, a claim to what is their right, and a chutzpah within. And that is true beauty.      

Women are often (not always) the purveyors of culture. Men have historically been absent with the children and only teach by example of hard work or absence. Women (mothers, day care providers, nannies, etc.) tell their children stories. Women have historically taught children by getting their hands dirty (literally with diapers and figuratively with lessons). But, I see a disruption in these traditional gender norms. Women and men are taking new roles in the family. I have focused on women, but as for the men, the last verse in the Old Testament (the last of the Nevi'im in the Hebrew Bible) says this: “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse.” (Malachi 4:6) This is an interesting message for a society filled with single mothers and absent fathers. If we take the words as a critique of society as is, the words have much to teach. Both men’s and women’s honor can be found in the hidden corners within these perennial pyramids of biblical text. Words were there in the beginning and will be here to the end.