Third Way Newsletter posts

I've been posting articles on the Third Way Newsletter by Blue Ocean Faith, Ann Arbor

Mourning the Miscarriages

Two healers (cranial-sacral masseuses) worked on my body - releasing tension, talking me through my grief. They started their work one at my head and one at my feet. Then, Judy stopped at my uterus and rested there as Rachel held my feet. Judy put one hand above my uterus and one below, under my back. She asked me to focus on my uterus.

“What do you feel?”

“Nothing,” I replied.

Emptiness. Nothingness. I felt no cramping, no changes, no fullness. I lost touch with her (my body) somehow. We used to be so connected. She felt like an empty tomb now. Not even the remains were there. No place to visit and mourn my loved ones. There was death in this tomb and now there is nothing.

Emily asked if I’ve ritually grieved this second loss. For the first miscarriage, I lit a candle regularly for many nights. I have not ritually grieved. I have written a paper - is that a ritual? Today, for the first time in a long time, I took 12 minutes to meditate. As I breathed I could feel tension in my body and a tightness in my lungs. I remembered a time when the Spirit felt so alive in me. Now…”Nothing.”

The day the bleeding started, Emily prayed for the Lord to breathe life into my womb. I’m waiting now, as my womb feels death-filled and empty.

I told Ken and Emily that I am fascinated by the ways Jesus took on feminine roles - serving others, washing feet and caring for the children. Ken said the womb is the only tangible place where “I am in you and you are in me.” This echoes the words Jesus spoke, “In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in Me, and I in you” (John 14:20). That is fascinating to me, and the three of us women (Cassie, Emily and I) said we needed to think about this some more.

“I live…” he who died said to his disciples.

New life comes out of the womb. Jesus came out of his tomb. This new life, a living Jesus, retained his awareness of “I in you and you in me.”

The problem is that I feel like I am that empty tomb he left behind. But, instead of a risen child of God walking out into a garden, the life growing inside my womb exited as a bloody outpouring falling to the earth - twice.

A thought comforts me: The Ark of the Covenant. The mercy seat. I found the Ark in the story of the tomb. It is written that Mary Magdalene entered into the tomb and saw two angels seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” (John 20:12-13). She replied that they had taken her Lord. Then she saw Jesus, but thought he was the gardener. This imagery of the Ark comes to me - with the two angels seated, one at the head and the other at the foot of where his body had been.

The Ark is described in Exodus:

“And make two cherubim out of hammered gold at the ends of the cover. Make one cherub on one end and the second on the other; make the cherubim of one piece with the cover, at the two ends. The cherubim are to have their wings spread upward, overshadowing the cover with them. The cherubim are to face each other, looking toward the cover. Place the cover on the top of the ark and put in the ark the tablets of the covenant law that I give you.” (Exodus 25:18-21)

Now, I feel my own body participating in this story. Somehow my body holds the potential of being a holy vessel where God’s law may be written in my mind and in my heart with the two angels facing one another looking toward the cover, like the Ark of the Covenant. The words of Jeremiah are with me. “This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel after that time,’ declares the LORD. ‘I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people.’” (Jeremiah 31:33).  The two angels, Judy at my head and Rachel at my feet, said to me, “What do you feel?”

Perhaps my womb is not an empty tomb but a mercy seat. Perhaps I will soon see a gardener and come to know that life has conquered over death. Perhaps I will come to realize the meaning of the words, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

The Lord Our God, The Lord Is One: Can we truly say Jesus is God?

Many leaders today lord their authority over others and demand honor and glory for themselves, their way of life or their beliefs. They may not claim to be gods per se, but their expectations reveal a long history of this tradition, from the times when Kings and Caesars claimed to be gods. Jews and Muslims believe that proclaiming a human being as God is idolatrous and blasphemous. Yet, Christians revere Jesus as God. Is this idolatrous? Is this blasphemous? Jesus called us to follow him to the glory of the living God, Abba Father, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He describes the Father as greater than himself:

“You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” (John 14:25-28) 

Raised a Christian, I come wrestling, wondering if Jesus isn’t God as many Christians describe him...I acknowledge that my limited understanding prevents me from fully understanding the mystery of God’s work in the life of Jesus of Nazareth. I fully recognise Isaiah’s words: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8). But, this is a matter I wrestle with.

Glorifying God

There is a vivid description of the death of a king Herod in Acts who demanded to be considered as a god by the people:

The people kept shouting, “The voice of a god, and not of a mortal!” And immediately, because he had not given glory to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died. (Acts 12:22)

If Jesus rose to fame in the United States today, working miracles and healing the sick, would we praise him or give glory to God? Jesus said he came to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. So, what did the lost sheep of Israel do when Jesus rose to fame? They did not glorify him as a god or as God. They did not carve images of him to worship or demand that others recognize him as God, but rather they gave glory to the God of Israel. It is a unique people who can receive the love of God given through one who humbly serves God, and not glorify that individual person, but instead glorify the Holy One who sent him. Here are just a few examples:

Matthew 15:31
The people were amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled made well, the lame walking and the blind seeing. And they praised the God of Israel. 

Luke 5:26
Amazement seized all of them, and they glorified God and were filled with awe, saying, “We have seen strange things today.” 

Luke 7:16
Fear seized all of them; and they glorified God, saying, “A great prophet has risen among us!” and “God has looked favorably on his people!” 

Mark 2:12
He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" 

Luke 2:20
The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. 

Matthew 9:8
But when the crowds saw this, they were awestruck, and glorified God, who had given such authority to men. 

Luke 13:13
Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God. 

Luke 17:18
Jesus asked, “Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?" 

Luke 18:43
Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.

Drawn by the Father

Jesus did not seek his own glory. He constantly redirected people’s questions about his miracles and works to the Father and his being sent by the Father. The living God is the God that Jesus obeyed and served and glorified. I don’t believe that he was attempting to start a new religion. Rooted in his tradition, Jesus said, “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill” (Matthew 5:17). These days, a Gentile version of Christianity is fully ingrained in dominant culture (as opposed to the early church described in Acts). This popular version of Christianity seems to be focused on convincing people to “convert,” proclaiming Jesus as God and having the correct religion. However, emphasizing Jesus’ teachings about being one who serves and giving glory to God is often missed in this equation. Did Jesus come for his own glory or for Christianity’s glory or for the glory of the church? In all that Jesus did, he gave glory to God. Perhaps, he wanted to show GOD’s love to the world and to teach us to serve one another.

Of course, this issue is woven throughout the New Testament as people struggled to understand Jesus and his work more clearly. During Jesus’ life, many people were confused about his relationship to God. The Gospel of John describes this:

They were saying, “Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I have come down from heaven’?” Jesus answered them, “Do not complain among yourselves. No one can come to me unless drawn by the Father who sent me; and I will raise that person up on the last day. It is written in the prophets, ‘And they shall all be taught by God.’ Everyone who has heard and learned from the Father comes to me. (John 6:42-45)

In the face of this line of questioning, Jesus once again directs his listeners back to glorify God. He does not glorify himself. He says that if we come to him, we must be drawn to him by the Father and that all people shall be taught by God.

No one can say, “Jesus is Lord...”

During his life, there were those who were offended by Jesus’ claims about his relationship with God and wanted him killed for blasphemy. But, there were also those who tried to praise him alone and make him a king, against his wishes. Jesus humbly did not seek glory or praise from others. Certainly, he received glory. By giving glory to God, Jesus received glory from God. But, Jesus taught that the glory he received came from above, not from the world or from us. Most importantly for us, he sought to give away even this glory he received from God. Jesus prayed, 

The glory that you have given me I have given them, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become completely one, so that the world may know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. (John 17:22-23)

In all things, we are called to glorify God. We are called to be one with God. So, if we do proclaim Jesus as Messiah and Lord, we should not do it from our need to glorify ourselves, our religion, or from our human understanding of God’s ways. If we claim Jesus is Lord, we should only do it if drawn to him by God, and proclaim him as Lord only if we are led by the Holy Spirit. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he writes: “...and no one can say ‘Jesus is Lord’ except by the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 12:3). In following Jesus as Lord, we seek to give glory to God who is above all and through all and in all.

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all. (Ephesians 4:4-6)

Miscarriage

Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

The Architect and the Bee

The blood. The cramping. The physical manifestation of loss. A week long daily reminder that I was pregnant and lost. Other reminders hit unexpectedly - a pregnant woman walking in the neighborhood or a friend excitedly announces their baby is due August, or now, December. The first time I miscarried, I thought, “This is very common. Just get through this, you’ll get pregnant again, keep trying, you’ll be fine.” That was the narrative I told myself and it worked; I got pregnant again. With a cruel twist in the story, I miscarried a second time. And now...the blood. The cramping. The constant reminder of loss.

Although my body may have gone about the biological business of constructing cells and wiping out the imperfections in a bloody outpouring, I was an architect. Philosopher Hilde Lindemann writes that the purely biological view of pregnancy diminishes a woman’s agency. This view sees the woman as a flower pot, an incubator or a passive receptacle (82). Lindemann brings to mind Marx’s creative architect and the bee. To quote Marx:

“A spider conducts operations that resemble those of a weaver, and a bee puts to shame many an architect in the construction of her cells. But what distinguishes the worst of architects from the best of bees is this, that the architect raises his structure in imagination before he erects it in reality.”

I raised in my imagination a child before she became a reality and took steps to prepare for her. Yes, I called the fetus into personhood (84). I began to prepare physical space for her, and social space in my family and wider community. I nurtured her in my body with what I ate and by taking care, and in my mind with dreams for her and through sharing plans with my partner. In imaginative projection, I lived as if this plus sign on a stick was becoming the born child I hoped she would be. The metaphor of the architect and the bee can highlight ranging perspectives of internal and external locus of control in the face of miscarriage. The stories of loss around this event certainly range in diversity from person to person. But, miscarriage can often lead to loss of agency and of connection - to the future, to self, to others, and to the world.

Ask, Seek, Knock

In an egotistical society, we are taught that we alone can control the good and bad that come to us. In that setting, how does one account for good that comes unexpectedly, or for sudden tragedy and loss? The opposite is believing that we are pawns to the whims of the gods. In that setting, personal accountability and hope for change is lost. Yet, the biblical words give a different take on these polar extremes. We are given Job who says, “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?” (Job 2:10). We are given the poetry of King David, “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). And in the New Testament, we are given Jesus’ teaching, “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you” (Matthew 7:7). Taken together with many other similar biblical sayings, these messages give a new more realistic context for both internal and external locus of control. We are not gods; we cannot control every event in our lives. But, we also do not need to be pawns subject to the intractable whims of destiny or fate. We can become the imaginative architects (earthly priests) in relationship with the Architect of the universe (the Most High), the One who sees and hears. Hagar, the Egyptian slave woman, became the first person to name God in the narrative of the Hebrew Bible. Hagar named the Lord, “El­-roi” t​he God who sees me.​ Faith can give comfort in our despair and a voice in the direction of our lives.

The words of Lamentations set the stage: “Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?” (Lamentations 3:38). The women of the Bible fill the stage with life, complexity and a story. They are the architects imagining new beginnings in relationship with the Most High, calling new lives into being despite their situations of time and place. The Bible is packed full of women experiencing life with all it’s heartache, injustice, and harms. In their book, Jews and Words Oz-Salzberger and Oz (a father, daughter pair) write about the women of the Bible:

They do not follow the Greek pattern—either goddess or mortal heroine. They do not follow the medieval pattern—either saint or prostitute. They do not follow the European pattern—aristocracy, bourgeoisie, or lower class. They do not follow the British pattern—upstairs or downstairs—although their tents are sometimes as intricate as a manor house. The Bible’s women are so variegated that they simply inhabit a full human spectrum. (70-71)

The stories of these women bring comfort. They inhabit the full human spectrum set amidst poetic and prophetic words and they give us a glimpse into knowing God, the God who sees me.

In our patriarchal society and religions, the male voice is most often heard; the male experience is known. Our genderless God is usually described as “He”. In Judaism and Christianity, the living God is signaled by naming “the God of [the forefathers] Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.” However, I’m interested in the ways that the (albeit patriarchal) stories speak to women and the marginalized. I’m fascinated by the ways women in these stories respond to their situations, resist oppression and deal with heartache. To approach the Bible in this way is to see it from the vantage of the marginalized. We are socialized in our western culture to elevate wealth, prosperity, men, Christianity, health, perfection, and “normalcy” above all else. When I approach the Bible from the perspective of the poor, of women, of the outcast and of the non-dominant groups, I see a different story. Listening to these groups, I meet people who have ears to hear and eyes to see the written words of scripture. I come across those who do not have other god’s before the Lord God, the One who frees the slave. I watch as the proud are humbled, and the humbled exalted. The Lord is creating something new on earth. As the prophet Jeremiah states with ambiguous meaning, but entirely intriguing: “For the Lord has created a new thing on the earth; a woman encompasses a man” (31:22). In many ways, the stories in the Bible show the Lord resists dominant social norms and patriarchy, even as they reveal the patriarchal societies they came from.

In a world that venerates fecundity, what kind of holy scripture has this sort of verse:

Sing, O barren one who did not bear;

burst into song and shout,

you who have not been in labor!

Isaiah 54:1

This grabs my attention. The founding mothers of these strange prophetic words also grab my attention. It is written: “Now Sarai was barren; she had no child” (Genesis 11:30)...“Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife [Rebekah], because she was barren” (Genesis 25:21). “...but Rachel was barren” (Genesis 29:31). In the Bible, our heroines are not fertile goddesses. Our heroines are barren. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are husbands of women who cannot have children. This means something significant written in an ancient civilization that was as least as anxious about infertility as we are, probably much more. Yet, these are the barren women through whom God chose to bring about something new on earth. These stories move us away from the cycles of birth and death venerated by many other ancient religions in the near east at the time. They also move us away from the image of the “perfect” woman venerated by media and western culture. This story begins with women who are empty, fruitless and barren with hope for something radically new to come - children as numerous as the stars and becoming blessings to all the nations on the earth. Throughout the Bible, there are countless heroines who do not or cannot have children. The end of their stories vary from person to person, and the outcome of my story is yet to be seen. But, something new is being created here and, in my sorrow, I am all ears.

Connection

Maybe we aren’t just imaginative architects executing an preconceived design. Perhaps, we are imaginative storytellers deeply connected to those who hear and see, and co-authors of the story of our lives. Our actions, our prayers and our participation in life give us locus of control. Miscarriage has become a part of my story but is not the end. This dry, barren, sorrowful part of my story will become the soil for new seeds being planted. It also connects me to women’s stories of the past and creates fertile ground for greater connection with others who suffer in this way.

At a local Jewish temple, on the donation box for the food pantry for the poor and homeless, these words are inscribed: We give thanks to God for bread, But for those who are hungry, WE must help provide instead. This struck me as a great example of a healthy locus of control. Give glory to God for all things (shall we give glory to God only for the good?). But, for those around us in need, WE must provide the help instead. We are called to action in connecting with others. Isaiah calls us to loose the bonds of injustice, to set the oppressed free and to share with the hungry and homeless. In Isaiah, it is written: 

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up quickly...Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer (Isaiah 58:8-9). 

Connect to others in this way and your light will break forth like the dawn. This perspective connects us to ourselves, to others, to the world and God. It gives us agency in times of loss. Just as I do not know how the life breath enters the human frame, I do not know the work of God working in everything. But, perhaps, the story of our lives together may testify to the work of God who is working in everything.


Works Cited:

Lindemann, H. “MIscarriage and the Stories We Live By.” JOURNAL of SOCIAL PHILOSOPHY, Vol. 46 No. 1, Spring 2015, 80–90.

Oz, Amos, and Fania Oz-Salzberger. Jews and Words. Yale University Press, 2014

There Shall Be No Strange God in Thee (Psalm 81:9)

One can observe among “believers” that there is an aching lack of right living and plentiful examples of hypocrisy. My partner says, “Religion is a net negative in the world.” Many “believers” do not seem to be living up to their own ideals within themselves or in their own lives, but lavish judgment on others - often using scripture to justify themselves. This leads many sensible people to reject religion, the Bible and ultimately God.

I would argue, though, that it is not God or the belief in God that is the problem. It is not even religion exactly. The problem lies in the elevation of something other than God as supreme - a thing, a force, a person, a group, an institution or an ideal.  

Where the soul may be kindled in holiness

Today, religion in it’s many forms appears to be irrelevant, dull, and oppressive. Non-religious types look to religion and see that it’s message has become meaningless. They can see that for many, faith has been completely replaced by creed. Worship has been replaced by discipline. Love has been replaced by habit. Abraham Heschel (1976) writes,

Religion declined not because it was refuted, but because it became irrelevant, dull, oppressive, insipid. When faith is completely replaced by creed, worship by discipline, love by habit; when the crisis of today is ignored because of the splendor of the past; when faith becomes an heirloom rather than a living fountain; when religion speaks only in the name of authority rather than with the voice of compassion -- it’s message becomes meaningless (p. 3). 

Atheists understandably reject religion, not because it has been refuted, but because religion has ceased to be a living fountain and has become meaningless. In this way, religion has become a way of satisfying human needs - it is not God whom the religious person serves, but themselves. If the end goal is to satisfy our human needs, one does not need religion - civilization should suffice. There are plenty of ways to gratify our human needs within civilization. Alain deBotton has an interesting TED talk, http://on.ted.com/deBotton, which highlights this point. Truly, if one is to choose a means to the end for the satisfaction of human needs alone, religion is not the way.  

Religion has also been distorted into a meaningless institution because some have elevated it as supreme.

We must not regard any human institution or object as being an end in itself. Man’s achievements in this world are but attempts, and a temple that comes to mean more than a reminder of the living God is an abomination.  What is an idol? A thing, a force, a person, a group, an institution or an ideal, regarded as supreme. God alone is supreme (p. 415).

Religion is only to be a reminder of the living God. Religion is to be a place where faith can become a living fountain. Religion is to be a voice of compassion. “When superimposed as a yoke, as a dogma, as a fear, religion tends to violate rather than to nurture the spirit of man. Religion must be an altar upon which the fire of the soul may be kindled in holiness” (p. 317). When we recognize that religion is an altar, we are able to enter into religious space but also distinguish from those whose actions cause religion to be a negative institution in the world. When religion is seen as an altar, we are also able to come to read the sacred texts in new ways. 

The Bible is a seed

Greek philosophy is a major foundation of western culture. We are shaped by the foundations of Greek thought in ways that we may not realize. Our understanding of religion, the Bible and God are influenced by our cultural history - we have both Greek and Jewish history embedded in our culture among others. When the ideas between these two histories clash or don’t fit or make sense, we have to discern. However, Greek philosophy and the history of the Jewish people do have to be competing world views - where one will ultimately prove the other wrong. Where Greek philosophy has its strengths in leading us to appreciating the realm of science and space, it leaves us wanting in the matters of theology and the soul. Where Jewish history provides the people of the world with the light of truth, with seeds of eternity, it does not much speak to the world of science. We cannot pit science against religion.

It was the glory of Greece to have discovered the idea of cosmos, the world of space; it was the achievement of Israel to have experienced history, the world of time. Judaism claims that time is exceedingly relevant. Elusive as it may be, it is pregnant with the seeds of eternity (p. 206).  

Moments in history when God reveals are sacred moments in time. Time itself is exceedingly relevant. Moments in our own lives testify that time is more than a simple ticking clock or a mathematical understanding of the space-time continuum. 

While science has brought great understanding of our physical world, the Greek concepts of Fortune and Destiny have also pervaded western culture. The media fills our minds with stories of fate and fortune, but there are Biblical words that plant within us a different story. The biblical understanding does not reveal a god of fate and fortune; the biblical understanding reveals a God of truth (Isaiah 65). 

The theology of fate knows only a one-sided dependence upon the ultimate power. That power has neither concern for man nor need of him. History runs its course as a monologue. To Jewish religion, on the other hand, history is determined by the covenant: God is in need of man. (p. 68). 

One can reject a theology where there is only a one-sided dependence upon the ultimate power. But, this does not mean we must reject all theology. We must reject false images of God, but this does not mean we must reject God. 

Naturally, our understanding of the bible is influenced by our culture. Many want to read the bible as we read scientific textbooks or as a detailed and factual historical account. Surely, much of the bible reveals the history of a people, but we must not forget that “...decisive is that which happened between God and the prophet rather than that which happened between the prophet and the parchment” (p. 258). Recognize that something unique happened in time, in the history of the people of Israel, in God’s reaching out to mankind. This unique happening through time is recorded on the parchment - it does not mean that the parchment is what is decisive. 

When we read the bible in ways it was never intended, we will be disappointed and can even harm others. Just as the cruelty in humans can lead to the misuse and destruction of the material world, the cruelty of humans can lead to the misuse of the words of the bible. Yet, we do not deny the good of the material world just because some people choose to abuse the materials available to them by creating weapons. So, we also cannot deny the value of the words in the bible just because some abuse and misuse them. When we allow the words to touch our minds and our hearts in authentic ways, we no longer box people into dead and harmful interpretations of the sacred words. We are then able to bring forth new understanding and new realization. 

The Bible is a seed, God is the sun, but we are the soil. Every generation is expected to bring forth new understanding and new realization (p. 274). 

The material world is magnificent, inspiring and awesome. The Lord that created the material world is at work in the realm of history as well. “The spirit of His creative power brought the material world into being; the spirit of His revealing power brought the Bible into being” (p. 181). The stories and words of the bible plant seeds in our minds and in our souls and the fruit that comes forth will be new. 

God Alone is Supreme

The words of Abraham Heschel show us how religion is the altar where the fire of the soul may be kindled in holiness. The Bible is a seed; we are the soil; God is the light of the earth. Important to remember that an idol is a thing, a force, a person, a group, an institution or an ideal regarded as supreme. We know that God alone is supreme and we will make no image of God. So, we may wonder, where is God? What does God do? What happens to us when God reigns supreme? 

God Dwells in Darkness

Once we get rid of false notions of the divine, we may wonder where is God? The bible has said that God dwells in the darkness, in mystery, in a cloud. But, beyond the deep darkness is light. Heschel writes: 

“Deep darkness" (‘arafel) is where God dwells...But beyond the mystery is meaning, beyond "the deep darkness" is light, this is why Moses was able to draw near "to the deep darkness where God was," able to enter "the cloud" (Exodus 20:21; 24:18). (Heschel, p. 193)

In a time where we seek scientific proofs, concrete answers and hard facts it may be difficult to grasp that the ultimate is not there for us to examine at will. The ultimate is shrouded in deep darkness. 

Yet, God has made himself known at moments in time. These moments have shown that we cannot know God in the way that we examine an unknown objects from above or in the way we formulate theories after peering into the sky from below. 

Israel did not discover God. Israel was discovered by God. Judaism is God’s quest for man...[Being chosen] signifies not a quality inherent in the people but a relationship between the people and God (p. 425-6).  

History has shown that God desires a relationship with us. And if God is living as the prophets say that he is, then surely God plays a part in our attempts of trying to understand him. Knowing and understanding God depends not only on our readiness to approach Him, but also on God’s willingness to be approached (p. 128). As in relationships with one another, we cannot love without vulnerability. Vulnerability entails allowing oneself to be fully known - with flaws, wrong-doing, and mess-ups. “God-awareness is not an act of God being known to man; it is the awareness of man’s being known by God.” (p. 160). To be fully known by God means to be vulnerable to Him. This type of God-awareness can open us up to acting in ways inspired and led by Him - not by ourselves but in relationship with Him. 

There are also those who seek to know and understand God. Mystics seek God and desire transcendental experiences. But, moments in history have shown that God reaches out to us. These moments are contingent upon the initiative of God and mark an event in the life of God when we respond. Heschel explains:

The mystic experience is man’s turning toward God; the prophetic act is God’s turning toward man. The former is first of all an event in the life of man, contingent upon the aspiration and initiative of man; the latter is first of all an event in the life of God, contingent upon the pathos and initiative of God. From the mystic experience we may gain an insight of man into the life of God; from the prophetic act we learn of an insight of God into the life of man (p. 198). 

This profound understanding of the prophetic act highlights the very sacredness of these moments in history. It also makes a distinction - that there are those who may seek to understand God more fully, but there are also those to whom God chooses to reveal himself more fully to. 

Interesting that often the people God chooses are acutely aware of their unworthiness to His tasks. The prophet Jeremiah said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” And the Lord says, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you…” (Jeremiah 1:5-8)  And Jesus said, “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36) And Moses protested a number of times when God reached out to him. He said, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) This honest humility in the presence of the living God who is supreme is strikingly unlike those who claim to know, but do not know. It also gives us a glimpse into the moments of what happens when God makes himself known to us. 

A Revealer of Mystery, the Light Dwells with Him

Although we are taught that God dwells in the cloud, in deep darkness (‘arafel), we must not confuse God for the mystery. 

God is a mystery, but the mystery is not God. He is a revealer of mysteries (Daniel 2:47). He reveals deep and mysterious things; He knows what is in the darkness and the light dwells with Him (p. 66). 

God is a revealer of mysteries. God is a verb - full of love and compassion. Beyond the darkness is the light which dwells with him. This light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. 

There are parts of God’s self that he allows to be known to us. Heschel writes: 

When in response to Moses’ request, the Lord appeared to tell him what He is, did He say: I am the all-wise, the perfect, and of infinite beauty? He did say: I am full of love and compassion. Where in the history of religion prior to the age of Moses, was the Supreme Being celebrated for His being sensitive to the suffering of men? (p. 67)

God is full of love and compassion. This is unlike other false notions that reign supreme for some. As this reality sets in our hearts and minds and through our experiences, we must continue to reject false definitions of the divine given to us by culture. 

We must also be alert to the vanities of living which can block out the divine light. “‘Just as a small coin held over the face can block out the sight of a mountain, so can the vanities of living block out the sight of infinite light” (p. 85). Selfish interests can block out the divine light and suffocate the soul. 

Selfishness only Holiness can Ventilate

My partner says that hypocrisy and judgment are key reasons why he does not like religion - but he is primarily talking about Christianity. When religious people judge others, they are reigning their own ideas as supreme. I would argue that you can find hypocritical and judgmental people within and outside of religion. Whether we are religious or not, selfish interests and allowing our own ideas or institutions reign supreme, cause us to implode upon ourselves. “Selfish interests are centripetal; freedom from selfish interests is centrifugal, a turning away from the self” (p. 397). We are not free when we are consumed with selfish desires. 

Despite my own inclinations, I believe this includes our desires to be godly as well. “Godly” selfish interests are centripetal, too.  

The world needs more than the secret holiness of individual inwardness. It needs more than sacred sentiments and good intentions. God asks for the heart because He needs the lives. It is by lives that the world will be redeemed, by lives that beat in concordance with God, by deeds that outbeat the finite charity of the human heart (p. 296).  

When we give our lives (not just our secret individual inwardness) to God and, in turn, love the people around us, we become free. We can overcome finite charity of the human heart and the vanities of living that block out the light. This means laying our lives down just as we are today. 

We each know our own shortcomings better than anyone else (and certainly better than we know anyone else’s). To give our lives does not mean we must be perfect. In fact, “To be contrite in our failures is holier than to be complacent in perfection” (p. 403). Perfection is another potentially false idea that suffocates us when it reigns supreme. Love, joy, peace, selflessness, generosity, loving-kindness...these are centrifugal; these are freedom from selfish interests and come when we lay down our lives and love others. But, what does it mean to “give our lives” or to “lay down our life”? “The Hebrew word for the verb to sacrifice means literally to come near, to approach. Our task is not to renounce life but to bring it close to Him” (p. 399). We are not called to despise ourselves and love others. We are called to love others as ourselves. Saying this in another way through the words of Isaiah, the prophet - With joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation (Isaiah 12:3).

In our culture, individualism, consumerism and achievement are a few ideals that reign supreme. In our selves, there are drives, passions and needs that we must choose how to fulfill. In our humanity, there is a great need for redemption. 

Yet we have finally discovered what the prophets and saints have always known: bread and power alone will not save humanity. There is a passion and drive for cruel deeds which only the awe and fear of God can soothe; there is a suffocating selfishness in man which only holiness can ventilate (p. 169).

Although individualism, consumerism and achievement bring us “bread and power” they will not redeem humanity - they will not orient us centrifugally or give us those gifts that fulfill our deepest needs and desires. We are called to lay down our lives so that we may truly live. We are called to be holy, because the one who called us is holy.  

Freedom, Faith, and Truth

We must acknowledge that there is a drive for cruel deeds and a suffocating selfishness within people that needs to be faced. Yet, in spite of this drive and in spite of the suffering on earth, we must remember that the world is not all danger. Man is not alone. We are free, but we are not abandoned. We are free, but we will not be lost. We are free, yet God’s honor is upon our faith. Heschel writes,

The world is not all danger, and man is not alone. God endowed man with freedom, and He will share in our use of freedom. The earth is the Lord’s, and God is in search of man. He endowed man with power to conquer the earth, and His honor is upon our faith. (p. 286). 

Observing the darkness of cruelty and suffering on the earth, one may wonder how a good God could exist here. One may especially wonder how a good God can be creator and create the earth as we see it. Yet, human freedom (which we cherish) and the creative spirit are linked. Creation means freedom, and we are intended to be free. While we may receive messages from the history of our culture about fate/destiny, biblical narrative gives us a different perspective. 

The ultimate concept in Greek philosophy is the idea of cosmos, of order; the first teaching in the Bible is the idea of creation. Translated into eternal principles, cosmos means fate, while creation means freedom (p. 412).

In rejecting gods of fate, destiny and fortune, we can begin to accept the God of truth as supreme. In truth there is freedom. And while the idea of the cosmos leads us to believing in a predetermined course of events, the idea of creation reveals a truth about the freedom bestowed upon us. 

Yet, when we choose to reign our own ideas, people, forces, institutions or things as supreme, we surrender our freedom. When (in truth) we choose to have what is meant to reign supreme reign as supreme in our lives, we will inherit the freedom intended for us. But, when (in turning from the truth) we choose to allow something false reign as supreme over our lives, we lose our freedom. We are free in this choice, but we are not free from making the choice. We are compelled to choose. This can be expanded and more eloquently explained: 

Man is free to act in freedom and free to forfeit freedom. In choosing evil he surrenders his attachment to the spirit and forgoes the opportunity to let freedom happen. Thus we may be free in employing or ignoring freedom; we are not free in having freedom. We are free to choose between good and evil; we are not free in having to choose. We are in fact compelled to choose. Thus all freedom is a situation of God’s waiting for man to choose (p. 412).

When we choose to act in freedom (and refuse to forfeit freedom), we remain attached to the spirit and let freedom happen. We become authentic versions of ourselves. We become willing to be vulnerable (Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity - Brene Brown). When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and in humility and in truth choose to let the living God reign supreme, we are in partial fulfillment of being completely free and creative souls. “Whatever we do is only a partial fulfillment; the rest is completed by God” (p. 406). We cannot accomplish right living without God. 

Yet, we have all too often seen that those who claim that God reigns supreme actually seem to force their will and their ideals upon others. We do not choose freedom, and then become arrogant. We do not choose freedom, then become self-serving. We do not choose freedom, then become judgmental. If this is us, though we may claim to have chosen freedom, clearly something false is reigning supreme. Yet, there is still hope. “The evil urge does not spell doom; it can be integrated in the service of God” (p. 415). A Talmudic saying is, “The seal of God is truth.” If you are looking to know those who reign God as supreme, remember that by their fruit you shall know them. It is said that the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. 

Testimony. Stories. Life events. These are the very epicenter of the truth of our lives. We cannot know God if we only study ideas about God and never incorporate the moments of faith in our lives into our ideas of faith. “Ideas of faith must not be studied in total separation from the moments of faith” (p. 8). Moments of faith occur and can transform a life. Ideas of faith can be studied for years and make little impact on the way a person lives. These two cannot be separated. They are connected. Moments of faith occur in a private, quiet place in our hearts, minds and souls. We can nurture these moments or shut them down. We are looking forward to a time when the ideas of faith harmonize with our lived experience of faith.

I have tried to explain to my sisters, in not so many words, how the altar of religion has kindled a fire in my soul, how the seeds of the bible have found their way into the soil of my heart, and how I see now that God must reign supreme in our lives. It is this experience that inspires me to right living. It is this experience that moves me to joy. It is this experience that has led me to turn my life in a new direction. “[People] have often tried to give accounts of why they must believe that God exists. Such accounts are like ripe fruit we gather from the trees. Yet it is beyond all reasons, beneath the ground, where a seed starts to become a tree, that the act of faith takes place” (p. 138). People may not feel able to accurately share with our partners or sisters or brothers or friends why we must believe that God exists. But, beyond all reasons, beneath the ground, an act of faith takes place. We are slowly (like giving birth) moving toward a place where we hope the psalm may be true for us - that “there shall be no strange god within thee.”

Concluding remarks

The words newly written above cannot match the wisdom and profundity of those of Abraham Heschel who I’ve quoted throughout this paper. Heschel was inspired by the Hebrew Bible and through his experience of letting God reign supreme. He gives this final quote as a summary which rings true for me with a perfect pitch:   

There are no words in the world more knowing, more disclosing and more indispensable, words both stern and graceful, heart-rending and healing. A truth so universal: God is One. A thought so consoling: He is with us in distress. A responsibility so overwhelming: His name can be desecrated. A map of time: from creation to redemption. Guideposts along the way: the Seventh Day. An offering: contrition of the heart. A utopia: would that all people were prophets. The insight: man lives by his faithfulness; his home is in time and his substance in deeds. A standard so bold: ye shall be holy. A commandment so daring: love thy neighbor as thyself. A fact so sublime: human and divine pathos can be in accord. And a gift so undeserved: the ability to repent (p. 239). 

(Heschel, Abraham. God in Search of Man. New York: Farrar, Straus and Girou, 1976. Print.)

Clobber Verses in the LGBTQ/Christian church controversy

There are certain “clobber verses” that some Christians use to justify the exclusion and condemnation of LGBTQ folks. They pull a translation of the scriptures, remove it from any surrounding biblical verses (verses that might point out other sins or laws that are harder to condemn or enforce, easier to ignore) and make a claim that the verses stand independently as true for all time and all places, in the name of Biblical inerrancy.

I have 5 “clobber verses” of my own that I would like to pull from the Hebrew Bible and from the Christian New Testament because they seem to me to give life, love and peace more than the usual clobber verses about “homosexuality*” that only seem to bring dread, despair and condemnation (*keep in mind this term was only recently coined in the 19th century by a German psychologist and, as evidence by changes in our own culture, has different meaning at different times).  

1. Joshua 5:13-15

As Joshua approached the city of Jericho, 

he looked up and saw a man facing him with sword in hand. 

Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you friend or foe?"

"Neither one," he replied. "I am commander of the Lord’s army."

At this, Joshua fell with his face to the ground in reverence. 

"I am at your command," Joshua said. 

"What do you want your servant to do?" 

The commander of the Lords army replied, 

"Take off your sandals, for this is holy ground." 

And Joshua did as he was told.

I choose this verse to start with because I have frequently seen people on all sides of the debate sticking to their guns - and framing this issue as “friend or foe,” as “us vs. them,” as pro-biblical authority or pro-love and inclusion. This verse calls us to let go of our own agenda (“take off your shoes”). It calls for us to fall to the ground in reverence and ask “What do you want your servant to do?” Then it calls for us to listen and hear. When a response is given, we can follow Joshua’s example. 

I want to note that I absolutely lean on one side of this debate. Like Joshua (we can all put ourselves in his shoes), when I talk to people about this debate I want to know, “Are you friend or foe?” I want to know, do you support full inclusion of LGBTQ folks on all levels? I want to know, do you use the scriptures to oppress and condemn others or for liberation and justice?   

But, I also believe that a living God is doing something amazing in the world right now. This Spirit-movement is happening among those who profess to believe in God and fit in seamlessly to their faith communities, and also among those excluded from faith communities, finding their own way. (By “excluded” I mean those who have been excluded for being too “sinful” and also those who choose to remove themselves from faith communities because they have not found life there - but rather judgement, division and hypocrisy).  

This brings me to by next verse:

2. Isaiah 42:16 

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, 

in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  

I will turn the darkness before them into light, 

the rough places into level ground.  

These are  the things I do and I do not forsake them."

This verse says that God will lead “the blind” in a way that they do not know. I think this is a very important part of this verse and others like it. When we are being led, we are not directing the course.

There are many different postures I perceive that Christians take when coming to their relationship with God. I cannot capture in words all the different ways, it is far too varied and diverse. But, I have seen that there are some who come to their relationship with God and to life with biblical certainty. Many of those who are certain in this way have been well-educated in Christian norms and beliefs. They know what the Bible says and they seek to follow that. Of course, those with certainty want to be open to letting God/the Bible/Jesus lead them - in fact, following Jesus is practically a “letter of the law” in Christianity.

However, when we are truly being led, we are not saying our lives (or other people’s lives) must go THIS way or THAT way because of our biblical or theological certainty. True, that the darkness before the blind will be turned into light, and rough places into level ground. And although the Bible gives us a framework of good laws/commands for how to live life, that is not the end of the story. When we are led, we realize that every person is on a journey and there is an uncertainty to where that journey will take us. Those who claim to know the way they should go (or the way others should go) are definitely not “the blind” mentioned in this verse. To further emphasize this point, I recall another similar verse: “If you were blind, you wouldn’t be guilty but you remain guilty because you claim you can see” (John 9:41). 

3. Luke 12:2-3

“The time is coming when everything will be revealed; 

all that is secret will be made known to all. 

Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark 

will be heard in the light,

and what you have whispered in the inner rooms 

will be proclaimed upon the housetops.”

The controversy about LGBTQ folk among Christians is in many ways surrounded in secret, in the dark, and whispered about in private inner rooms. Yet, the time is coming…

There are gay Christians who have been forced into secrecy because of the hurtful environments the “clobber verses” (and subsequent church exclusionary practices) have created. Some of these brave Christians are coming out of the closet and refusing to leave their churches despite the hostility they face. They will forge ahead.

There are straight Christian leaders who secretly feel that they would change their hardline stance on homosexuality if one of their children turned out to be gay. There are many Christian parents who have openly accepted their gay children, only to lose long time church family and friends because of it. 

There are many pastors who privately feel God is calling them to think differently about this issue. If this calling were made public - shouted from the rooftops - these pastors justifiably fear the consequences for their livelihood and in their congregations. There are pastors (like Rev. Danny Cortez) who have publicly changed their views and suffered trials and disaffiliations and loss. Their future is uncertain. 

There are Christians who are wrestling with these issues in private and are not settled - God is calling their hearts to go one way but their minds are going another. They will either allow themselves to be led into the unknown, or will fall back on their intellectual  and biblical certainty.  

All these examples are stories of secrecy and darkness coming to light. They are evidence to me of a living God leading his children into an unknown future - and of his children who are willing to follow despite their blindness with trust and faith, come what may.

I am no theologian, and there are people who are much smarter and well-read in biblical law and theology that can run circles around me on this issue. This debate can bring out the best in people (vulnerability, willingness to accept that love covers a multitude of sins, and humility) but it can also bring out the worst in people (pride, overbearance, and focusing on the sawdust in our neighbor’s eye, rather than the log in our own.)  

4. Luke 11:48

“Yes,” said Jesus, 

“how terrible it will be for you experts in religious law! 

For you crush people beneath impossible religious demands, 

and you never lift a finger to help ease the burden.”

Amen to that. We are called to serve one another and lift each other’s burdens. We are not called to crush people beneath impossible religious demands.   

5. John 17:21 

“I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one 

as we are one—I in them and you in me—

so that they may be brought to complete unity. 

Then the world will know that you sent me 

and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

Danny Cortez, a Southern Baptist Minister who I mentioned earlier, referenced this verse from John 17 about unity. He writes: 

“If we become a gay affirming church, I will step down.” These are the words I told my congregation after I disclosed that I had become affirming of same sex relationships. It seemed like a contradiction. Many people were surprised by my statement since they assumed that this is what I had wanted, but my deeper hope was motivated by Jesus’ prayer—that, even in the midst of our differences, we would be one.” (Cortez, "A Third Way: A Response to the Southern Baptist Convention")

I appreciate his sentiment that even in the midst of our differences, we would be one. Why does this issue create such enemies among Christians? It is so controversial right now and people are building up armies on both sides of the debate. This brings me back to the story of Joshua. Although, I admit, I often want to ask people on this issue, “Are you friend or foe?” And it’s fine to ask that question, but then we need to realize that each person we meet is an image bearer of the divine. When we turn against each other and maintain divisive reactions to our perceived differences, no one wins. Let us fall to our knees and ask, “How can I serve?” Let us unite in the knowledge that we are loved - isn't that a biblical truth?

It is time for those who are proud to be humble, and those who would condemn, have mercy - let God be the judge - and those who claim to know who God prefers most to remember with humility that it is said, “The last shall be first and the first shall be last.” All this in the kingdom of heaven on earth.

Thy Anger Turned Away, and Thou Didst Comfort Me - Isaiah 12:1

In Christian communities, the love of God is frequently stressed while the other aspects of God (particularly God’s anger) are minimized or even rejected as of the “Old Testament.” This is a convenient formulation for those in power. Love, patience, and goodness are qualities of holiness. But, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel writes:

Patience, a quality of holiness, may be sloth in the soul when associated with the lack of righteous indignation (360).

If God is a God of love, then divine anger is necessary in the face of people’s cruel treatment of each other and the earth. Without anger, our love and, more importantly, God’s love would seem soft or incomplete. God’s love is fierce – especially his love for the outcast, the poor, and the meek. God loves us in our vulnerability and has compassion for each of us in our most vulnerable moments. Heschel writes that, “Justice, mishpat, is the measure of His anger.” (370). God’s anger is aroused when the cry of the oppressed comes to his ears. If we wash this down in favor of a benign deity, we ignore not only an essential aspect of God, but we ignore the outcries and the very lives of people living under oppression. At times, human cruelty seems to know no bounds: 

The human mind seems to have no sense for the true dimension of man’s cruelty to man. God’s anger is fierce because man’s cruelty is infernal (101). 

God’s anger is in response to human action. And the secret of anger is God’s care. There is nothing greater than the certainty of His care. God’s anger brings about destruction and distress, but not despair. When God’s anger turns away, we experience immense gratitude and are comforted. This gratitude is the climax of faith, and an indication that God’s anger is aligned with God’s love.

You will say in that day: I will give thanks to Thee, O Lord, For though Thou wast angry with me; Thy anger turned away, And Thou didst comfort me. (Isaiah 12.1)

Heschel points out that again and again we are told that God’s love or kindness (hesed) goes on forever (Jeremiah 33:3; Psalms 100:5, 106:1, 107:1, 118:1-4, 136:1-26; and Ezra 3:11). We are never told that His anger goes on forever. God does not retain his anger because He delights in love. God will again have compassion over us, “He will tread our iniquities under foot.” (Micah 7:18-20)

Strength, power, and wealth are values that are deeply embedded in the psyche of American culture. The Roman Empire would say that the gods are on the side of the strong. We see wealth and power glorified in TV and movies daily. These reflect values in our society. Yet, this is not the way of the Lord. Heschel writes:

The prophets proclaimed that the heart of God is on the side of the weaker. God’s special concern is not for the mighty and the successful, but for the lowly and the downtrodden, for the stranger and the poor, for the widow and the orphan…(219). 

In American society, the traditional view of justice has been symbolized by the balance of scales. The justice scales indicate fairness and equality, balance and stillness. Yet, the image of justice in the Hebrew Bible is one of waters rolling down, a mighty stream! “But let justice roll down like waters, And righteousness like a mighty stream.” (Amos 5.24) This image expresses substance, power, movement, vitality. Heschel writes, “to defy [justice] is to block God’s almighty surge” (275). Nothing can stand in the way of God’s justice, or God’s anger in the face of injustice. But, to the person who calls to God in their suffering, God says:

When they call to Me, I will answer; I will be with them in affliction (Psalm 91:15).

As a child, I was taught that God cares and loves us. This is a good message for our children. Yet, while the Bible supports this view, confusion can arise when we think this means life will be easy. The reality is not that God makes our lives free of sorrow or trouble, affliction or trials. We are never promised that we will not experience hardship. But, God reaches out to us in our affliction. In fact, we can grow and deepen our awareness of God while we endure hardship. To know God is to be known by God. When one develops daath elohim, an awareness of God (as opposed to knowledge about God), this inevitably includes an awareness of God’s anger at injustice and God’s deep concern for each of us.

Stream of words: Sylvia and Ruth

I want to write more stream-of-consciousness, but I haven’t done that in so long. Here goes...

Sylvia Plath, an author, a poet, a woman who loved words and wanted to die. How does Sylvia connect to me and my experience? I am a woman who loves words. I am a woman who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. But, I don’t want to die. I love to live and I want to live and I seek eternity in my prayers. My illness is a wonderful though frightening experience, confusing, but mystical. I miss it sometimes and that seems weird to me if this illness is supposed to be so scary or bad. But, I have never suffered from Sylvia lows, only Hemingway highs. The highs are like a whole new world perspective opens up, the heavens open up and I feel connected and as if God is in my very presence. Perhaps I suffer from Joan of Arc madness. Of course, I’ve read that there is a story of three different outcomes when experiencing God. When experiencing the full presence of God, they say, some die, some go mad, and some walk away in peace. Perhaps, I received only a taste of the presence and I went out of my mind.

Mark 3:21 is a comforting text for me because when I was coming out of my illness I read this verse and it touched me. [And when his family heard it, they went out to seize him, for they were saying, “He is out of his mind.” Mark 3:21] I felt peace and I felt understood. I cried. I felt like this man, Jesus of Nazareth, must be able to understand what I went through with my family. They tried to take me away considering me mad/insane/crazy. They said amongst them-selves, “She is sick again.” And as they wheeled me along I sang aloud, “Crazy person coming through.” They wheeled me in a wheel chair through the halls towards the psych ward at the UM Hospital. “Crazy person coming through,” I sang to them in full awareness of my words.  

The twelve steps are wonderful…

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I try daily to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand. My husband wishes I didn’t care about God so much…he says he liked me better when I was spiritual but against religion. But, how can I be against religion when it is the study of the bond between humans and the divine. And sublime nature is a beautiful thing. I am reminded of Frankenstein and the descriptions in that story of the sublime. The weather and the natural setting, the wilderness, the forests, the landscape, the storms raging…and I seek nature, to be in nature, not this concrete jungle, because I find God when I’m in nature. I refuse to be contained away from nature in a hospital ward. Joan of Arc also refused to be contained in a prison cell for life, “Give me freedom or give me death.” And they thought Joan of Arc was a crazy person coming through. Give me freedom or give me death.

What is death? Death is a part of life. Like darkness and light, we have an awareness of it. We can see darkness and the difference between darkness and light. We have awareness. We also have an awareness of the difference between death and life. But, God created the darkness to divide the day (in the poetic, metaphorical story of creation). And we should not be afraid of darkness because it makes no difference to God. God is beyond the darkness and the light. And God is beyond death. I do not fear death (not all the time, anyways). I fear separation from God and love and life. Perhaps, those are not lost when death comes? Sylvia might not know because I’ve heard suicide does not produce the same after death experiences as natural death can cause. But, I don’t want to speculate or think about those things. I’d rather focus on life on earth today, right now. Do you think that there will be an end of days, a time when peace on earth will reign? I hope for that day. I pray for heaven on earth. I believe that promises will be answered especially if they come from God. I’m rooting for the kingdom to come to earth in my generation, and I can only try to be a part of that process.

And Prayer. Prayer is a wonderful thing. Prayer enables the soul to connect to a higher power. The breadth and the depth of mystical experience expand through prayer. Meditative prayer; Charismatic prayer; Petitioning prayer. I think prayer as a way of being – as in prayer that is in and around everything I do, and in and around my being. Sometimes, when I write, I feel as though I am praying. Or when I read, I feel as though I am praying. Because I feel that God is there in the word. In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God. All things that have been made were made through Him. And the word became Flesh.

I’m sorry that I write so much about God now. It is my passion, my heart, and my love. I am obsessed because it is real. And it is a way for all that my heart desires. You see, I desire justice and an end to oppression. Women’s studies and feminism are pathways that I chose to follow to find justice and an end to oppression. Through feminism I view the Bible and I see that there is justice streaming through the words in the book and a way to an end to oppression. “I am the way, the truth, and the light,” he said. A professor of mine once told me that Jesus was the first feminist. But, I find that the struggle to end oppression is seething through the words of the scriptures. I find unity in my search for justice and ending oppression with my faith and spirituality. That is why I love to write and think and talk about God – because God shares my interest in ending the oppression that exists on earth. There is no place for oppression in the Kingdom of God. Connecting to something greater than myself is a crucial step in the process of mental health and well-being, in my activism, and in justice.

Feminism is the struggle to end sexist oppression. In the sentiment of sexist oppression, really all forms of oppression are held. And God is working to end all forms of oppression. So, let your God be my God (I say to the Jewish people, with my middle name – Ruth.) I say this wishing I was Ruth and knowing that the stories of the Bible are living words that can apply even to me – a young woman in the Midwest, U.S., reading stories and being deeply touched.  If I were to choose a woman to admire, a woman to follow, I think I might choose Ruth. I think about Sylvia and Ruth. I think about a woman, like me, who loved words, but who wanted to die. I think about another woman, like me, who loved Naomi’s God, and wanted to live. I love words and I love what I have seen of God. I choose to join in life, to say, “Let your God be my God.” And I choose to live with God – I love life, despite my illness. I am a feminist but I am not Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath. Perhaps I am Ruth and Joan.