Baby Blues

A cool breeze flows through the open window. The wind gently touches the dry winter leaves and they rustle in the breeze. I can smell the sweet ink on the journal page from thoughts written on paper. I just finished meditating by focusing on my breath, so I am slightly more aware of each breath I take now in the aftermath of meditation. The whirring of air provides background music and the scratching pen on paper, the harmony.

I knew a man named James, we called him Jim. Jim was a carpenter. He was a very large man, balding, with a bulb shaped nose and thick glasses. Despite his size, he was so timid he was almost hard to notice. He had bright blue eyes and long eye lashes. Not many people ever looked at his eyes, because he was not an attractive man and he was always looking down. Jim told me about the love of his life - a beautiful woman who was in a wheelchair. They fell in love and got married. He said that half the people who came to the wedding came because they couldn’t believe in such a pair. She died years ago. Jim was in the psychiatric unit with me. He was going through electric shock therapy at the hospital. After a few days getting to know him better, Jim said that for the first time in years he experienced one full day where he did not think about ending his life. I remember I would ask him to show me his “baby blues,” and he would take off his glasses and blink his lashes at me, smiling. He had a heart of gold and was a wonderful man. If you could only look past his outer looks, and see the man inside. I told him, “Jim, we’ve been talking and saying that you are a diamond in the rough.” He humbly smiled and said thank you. I miss Jim and many of the people I met at the hospital. We were each experiencing our own mental health crisis and I believe that God was there with us – a magnetic force that guides us through. Harold Kushner writes:

If depression is the “dark night of the soul,” God is the magnetic force that guides people through the night and brings them into a brighter world…I assure them that love and strength are not like bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. They are like muscles that grow stronger with use. And I urge them to rely on God to renew their strength so that they can go on working and not grow weary.” (The Lord is My Shepherd, Kushner, p. 70)  

My form of mania feels so intensely spiritual and so precious and sweet. I want to say to God’s presence, “Stay, thou are so sweet.”